Many of us have heard about marriage being a “corrective experience” or “an opportunity to heal childhood wounds” but just how does that work? Clearly, our partner annoys us at times and we find ourselves hurt, angry, and/or frustrated. Oftentimes, we do not heed these annoyances, but rather chalk them up to our partner’s ignorance, insensitivity or relationship clumsiness. Actually, it is valuable to pay close attention to these signposts, as they represent interactions with meaning. Unconsciously, we select someone who embodies parts of our caregivers that caused us pain (Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix). If our father was distant and aloof, we might marry someone who embodies these characteristics, which is unfortunately familiar territory and extremely painful. The sense of our hurt must be understood and shared with our spouse, as they have unwittingly stepped into our drama. Our partner merely being distracted or momentarily emotionally unavailable could trigger feelings we had with our distant father. The next time you find yourself hurt or annoyed at your partner, pause to entertain the possibility that the source of your annoyance may be the repetition of old wounds and that it is not only your spouse that frustrates you, but they have unwittingly stepped into the shoes of a previous tormenter (You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For, Richard Schwartz). That is why the slight has such impact; you have been there before and it is a landmine ready to explode. Pay attention to these rough spots and understand that these represent important gold nuggets, which need to be unearthed and understood. This is the beginning of healing.

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