Several times a year we tackle the complicated topic of sex at the request of our fan base. It seems that all couples are struggling with this delicate subject. Even the following accepted axioms are being challenged by the growth and flexibility of gender roles: Men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots; Men need to have sex to feel close and women need to feel close to have sex; Men tend to be the initiators of sex which translates to “women control the frequency.” These all play significant roles in the dilemma. Suffice it to say, that those couples who continue to struggle to have sex, seem to have an edge over those who have given up entirely. This leads into our topic of “initiating sex.” With all the complications mentioned above, it seems foolhardy to add yet another complication. We frequently hear complaints from men that their wives never initiate sex. The women’s response is often that they do not have a chance to because the man is always pushing. If the man would back off, the woman might show interest. Apart from the obvious, there is a weird dynamic of one partner giving off some oblique cue like “I touched your leg as I went past you after dinner” or “I winked at you when you came home” that are so subtle that they are often missed. Most relationships have a partner who is more interested in sex and one who is less interested (in this day and age, not always determined by gender). It would be helpful if the covert signals could be overt. One couple we worked with kept a candle in the bedroom. Either one of them could light the candle to indicate that they were open to an amorous interlude. A clear signal to their partner who could either follow-up on the request, or say “I appreciate your interest – definitely over the weekend.” Vague, indirect innuendos often go unnoticed and only add another complexity to an already complicated arena. While we are on the topic, each partner has their own idiosyncratic love language and coming up behind your wife and fondling her breasts while her hands are in the sink is not a form of initiating sex or foreplay. How you approach your partner needs to be a “turn on” not a “turn off”; A topic for another Pearl.

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