Recently, we were sitting with a couple and they began to argue with accusatory tones and sharp language. We were surprised when one partner smiled at the other and mumbled a silly nonsensical word. Their partner paused and smiled back. We said, “Excuse me, what just happened?” They explained to us that in the early stages of their relationship, they had made an agreement to use humor whenever possible in their relationship on a regular basis so that when things got heated, they could call forth a lightness when they needed it most. Life can be serious enough on its own, but many of us carry around a heaviness and seriousness, even when not called for. This primes us for exaggerated responses (dysregulation) to things that trigger us. Laughter and joy live in the part of the brain that quiets down our emotional brain responsible for our fight or flight reaction. Practicing smiling, laughter and joy, and bringing lightness into our relationships and our lives helps us to stay healthy. It can diffuse many stressful situations, and help put issues into perspective – “Is this a glitch, dilemma or a catastrophe?” Humor can often help couples feel (re) connected. Remembering to bring humor and lightness into your relationship can offer many dividends. Some forms of humor include play, dancing, joking, ‘funny’ talk, to name a few. Be sure that you and your partner have an agreement on what is funny and that jokes are not made at your partner’s expense. It is important to get your partner’s permission ahead of time and like many of the skills we teach couples, it may feel like “play acting” at the beginning, but overtime feels more natural and helps make relationships flourish. (Your inner child will thank you as well!)

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