Many of you who have worked with us, are familiar with the term ‘ritual impasse.’ A ritual impasse is a reoccurring theme or issue that comes up between you over and over again. It may be disguised differently at different times. A ritual impasse can come up in the ‘content’ of conversation, for example, “You are always late,” “I am not,” or it can come up as a dynamic between you, for example, “Whenever you raise your voice, I shut down…”. Over time, these repetitive themes, gone unchecked can create anger, resentment, misunderstanding, and wear and tear on the relationship. Awareness of ritual impasses, become opportunities for self-exploration and challenges for growth. We look at ritual impasses as the ‘gold into windows of opportunity’ to create inner strength and resiliency. Rather than continuing the fight, the couple where one partner was chronically late, decided to ‘do something different.’ The partner who was annoyed created new strategies. He worked on the part of him that needed to be more ‘patient’ and stopped complaining about her lateness which only added to her lateness. Interestingly, she is now more frequently on time. In the case of the woman ‘coming at her husband’ with what Harville Hendrix calls a ‘harsh start up’ leading to him shutting down, or ‘flooding,’ both were able to recognize their ‘typical’ behaviors, stay present and speak more calmly and forthcoming with each other about what was happening for them in the moment. These are not easy strategies to put into practice but are very rewarding both personally and for the relationship. The first step is to identify when a ritual impasse is occurring and label it as such. Then, ask yourself, “what can I do differently,” and talk about this with your partner. We are all in this together. No one here is the victim. It is not any easier for our partner to change his or her behavior than it is for ourselves. Next time you find yourself thinking “here we go again…,” try something different. What do you have to lose? Let us know how this works for you.

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