He got off the phone and his wife angrily shouted at him, “I can’t believe you told him that we are going to Harvard Square today.” The husband was mystified. What seemed like innocuous conversation with his best friend was now a violation of his marriage. She could not explain to him exactly why it bothered her so. He was raised in a family in which everyone shared everything while her family was evasive and secretive. They were now in their familiar ritual impasse over what is OK to share with people outside the marriage. Interestingly, this theme also echoes in their relationship as she is quite tight lipped with him about her daily life while he often free associates sharing whatever pops into his head. His wife complains that he does not have a filter. As mentioned in previous Pearls, the theme of opposites attract frequently creates the ritual impasses that couples struggle with. We are raised in different families which each have their own style of operating. Couples tend to fight about these differences rather than recognize how their backgrounds contribute to fault lines. Rather than being in conflict, adopting an attitude of mutual curiosity can lead to productive conversation instead of a power struggle. We are in this together and come by our differences rightfully. Fighting about who is “right,” leads to separateness and loneliness in your marriage, while recognizing and embracing differences can create harmony.

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