Things seemed to have been going well for the past month or so. The husband reported that they had been out to dinner twice and had actually gone away for an overnight. Suddenly, the wife began to tear up and spoke about events that occurred five years ago after the birth of their first child when he traveled a lot and she felt abandoned and alone for the first few months. She then spoke about a series of hurts from the distant past. The husband asked, “What can I do? I cannot change the past and it seems like at any time she can just roll out her list of past transgressions and I’m toast.” This dynamic presents a challenge for couples, as triggers from past hurts are always present. Past hurts can be used as a sword to attack or a shield to protect. Bringing up past hurts in anger is damaging to the relationship. How can we accomplish repair and move forward? How much is the responsibility of the couple and how much the individual? As a couple, make sure you have processed past hurts, communicating feelings, apologies, and differences in sensory data (this one can be a sticking point as sometimes couples have to agree to disagree). Make an agreement (rules in the relationship) about when and how to bring up past hurts. The one who is triggered has an obligation to focus on self. Ask yourself, “What am I getting out of holding on to past injustices?” If you feel the need to talk about past hurts, approaching your partner in a calm moment can lend itself to a productive conversation. At some point it will no longer be helpful to bring up past hurts, as it will only damage the relationship. For the good of the relationship, it may be necessary for couples to agree to move on.

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