In our work with couples, we frequently run into the following theme: People are nicer (fun loving, engaged, positive) with others than with their own spouse. A wife will say to us, “I want some of the Bill that others get.” How frustrating and sad. It seems we are our worst selves with our partner and others benefit from not living with us. What are the variables? All day long we strive to be “nice” to people, so we use up our “niceness” and are grumpy when we get together at the end of the day. We spend the most time with each other so our “tired and frustrated self” emerges – we let our hair down and our partner experiences the good, the bad and the ugly. Then there is the concept of distance regulation in coupleship. Everyone fears intimacy. We fear being controlled, being close, being known. Our partner has the power to hurt us because they know our inner workings. We are constantly struggling with themes of dependence and independence. Sometimes we wonder if there is a bit of sadism in the person who appears so loving, generous and thoughtful to the outside world, but treats their partner coldly. We once worked with a couple, in which the woman said, “I look great on the outside. Men are always flirting with me and I am a lot of fun. Just don’t live with me, because I am not fun if you get too close.” Can you recognize your inner experience and not take it out on your partner? Are you able to tolerate someone knowing you, loving you and accepting you for who you are? Be nicer to the one you live with.

We appreciate thoughts and ideas for future Pearls from our readership, please submit them to us at marrylabs@comcast.net.