Our brains are wired to protect us, to help us understand and make sense of things quickly so that we feel in control of ourselves and our surroundings. We spin stories from this place without full awareness. These stories include misunderstandings and misinterpretations. At Marriage Labs we call these “Default Stories.” Default stories reflect misinformation about ourselves and our partners – “I am not lovable or worthy” or “he really does not care about me.” For example, husband arrives home from work and is quiet and withdrawn. Wife’s default story – “Everyday you come home and are in a bad mood and grumpy to the kids and I.” Husband’s default story – “I work hard all day, I am tired and you don’t appreciate me.” These stories are toxic and harmful to ourselves and our relationships. Antidote – 3 Ingredients: Awareness, Curiosity, and Letting Go • Awareness – What default story am I telling myself? • Curiosity – Is this story accurate? What parts of this story am I bringing to the situation? Could there be more to the story? • Letting Go – What parts do I need to let go of (past hurts / old stories)? After going through this exercise – Wife’s new story – “I look forward to you coming home with anticipation to talk and have you help out with the kids. I get frustrated and disappointed when this doesn’t happen.” Husband’s new story – “When I first arrive home, I am exhausted from work and frustrated from all the traffic. I need a few minutes to myself to transition and unwind from the day.” What self-limiting default stories do you tell yourself? Letting go of old stories opens up room for new possibilities and ways of experiencing ourselves and our partners - Ahhhh, so good for our relationship!

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