When things get bad enough, couples call a marriage counselor for help. This is a tricky business, as it is not like calling a doctor for a cold. It is not “medical model.” The couple makes the call, with each person hoping to tell their story and be understood (sided with?). Initially, there is relief that the call has been made and received and someone will listen. The problem lies in the definition of change. Several months into the process we hear the familiar refrain, “We have been coming here for a while, and nothing’s any different.” It is strange as we can see many subtle changes. Just the fact that things have calmed down a bit and couples are able to talk and listen to one another is change. Why is it so hard for couples to see the small, almost imperceptible differences that have emerged? Maybe that is the problem. The definition of what can and has changed seems like it is not enough. Lately, we have been asking couples to notice between sessions if anything has changed. The things people report are, “He actually came to bed twice this week at the same time as me,” or “She made me a cup of coffee yesterday when she made hers.” People are looking in the wrong places and missing growth. Couples are looking for seismic shifts. It does not work like that. It is a marathon not a sprint. If you can stop being enemies and reclaim that feeling you once had for each other, there is a chance. Focusing on the positive and not emphasizing the disappointments opens up possibilities for change. Holding onto familiar past hurts can be easier than being bold enough to let down your guard and love one another. Willing to take the risk?

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