Oftentimes, when we first meet with a couple, we do “Problem Lists” to try to learn from each person what they think needs fixing. We try as best we can to not make it a slug fest, but ask that each person think about not only what is wrong with their partner but also how they themselves contribute to the issues. With most couples that is the nature of the work. Trying to sort out where things went awry and re-stabilizing a capsized ship. The work often begs the question: Where is the love? How did things get so out of whack? It has caused us to think about definitions of love. Of course the concept of love incorporates attraction – that feeling of electricity when you could not enough of one another, but as we all know, that fades and thus definitions of love must incorporate commitment and managing through difficult times. Lately, we have been discussing definitions of love in our groups and it is fascinating to hear how definitions and expectations change as couples progress through life stages. It would be helpful if periodically couples took an inventory of what goes well in their relationship rather than constantly playing out their frustrations. Like raising a small child, the relationship is fragile and requires attention. Making a conscious effort to show appreciation for your partner, will go a long way at rebuilding connection. As we often remind folks, “Stop looking for what is not there and love what is there.” Go ahead, give your partner a hug!

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