Too often, we get caught up in viewpoints of our partner that are negative and unfair, drawn from images and events from the past that become “etched in stone.” Our brains are coded to be on the look-out for evidence that could threaten our survival. Of course this is only useful in certain situations and much of the time create problems for us in our relationships. The good news is that we can learn new ways of being which can literally re-wire our brains to be more open and ‘unknowing.’ Cultivating curiosity breaks these unconscious patterns of ‘looking for the negative.’ By relaxing into the ‘unknowing’ we can hear new information that otherwise is eclipsed from our awareness. There is so much more to our partner than the negative traits that we hold onto and define them by. Practicing curiosity helps us change the lens through which we see our partner and allows us to capture the fullness and wholeness of them. First it is important to notice our negative reactions and the story and beliefs that feed them. More than likely you will notice internal dialogue that includes “He always does… or she never…”. When you practice being on the look-out for internal negative dialogue it gives you the opportunity to pause, become curious about your reaction and rethink and restate a more accurate description of what is happening. Cultivating curiosity creates a natural way to regulate your nervous system by deactivating the parts of the brain that create dysregulation and activates those parts that promote calm and well-being. It becomes a ‘two fer’ as both you and your partner benefit.

We appreciate thoughts and ideas for future Pearls from our readership, please submit them to us at marrylabs@comcast.net.