We would be remiss if we did not address what seems like an epidemic in our country right now: Sexless marriages. We are not talking about those couples who are on the verge of divorce and are filled with resentment (ironically, some of these couples continue to have “amazing sex” despite major struggles in other arenas but more on that at another time). We are talking about couples who are “regular.” The lack of sex is not fueled by anger, resentment, and withholding sex is not wedged in the psychodynamics of their relationship. These couples seem to genuinely care about one another, it is just that somehow sex has become a low priority and disappeared. What is a likely explanation? Years ago, it was thought that all of us “fear intimacy” because of the vulnerability that comes with it. Getting that close is scary because one is revealed to their partner in a way that “feels” too exposed. Then there is a belief that career driven parents who are working all the time are physically and mentally exhausted. It is just too much to add “having sex” to the chore list. Ester Perel, (Mating in Captivity) has done a great job of introducing us to the concept of desire and how can we desire what we already have? It seems like there is no greater disillusionment regarding the four stages of marriage, than sex. It is unfair that the early honeymoon phase is marked by frequent fireworks sex which then disappears in the following more sobering aspects of marriage down the road. People so long for those early years before kids when you could not get enough of each other. What a set up. Enter the concept of perfunctory sex. It is our belief that giving up on your sex life in all of its definitions and manifestations puts a nail in the coffin of many relationships. We must add a disclaimer here. We have met some couples for whom having sex was somehow not important to either one of them and they themselves thought it was unusual but OK. We are talking about the multitude of couples who are truly bothered by not having a mutually satisfying sex life and have given up. For these couples, we recommend perfunctory sex. Do not put sex on the back burner. Make a date, time and place to have sex. Reintroduce those feelings of closeness and mutual satisfaction back into your relationship. It may be difficult and awkward at first, but do not give up on it.

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