For those of you who have worked with us, you are familiar with the concept of relationships being an opportunity for personal growth. Each couple is unique in that the pairing of the two individuals creates a couple-ship in which each partner’s unresolved issues are played out. Frequently, we get stuck thinking that our struggles and unhappiness are the result of our partner and their behavior and we miss out on the opportunity to identify and heal what lies beneath our reaction. It seems easier to blame our partner for their behavior and accuse them of being the problem rather than seeing the (perceived) behavior as a trigger that touches a tender spot within us. When we look at our partner through a different lens, a mirror, we see parts of ourselves reflected back to us. Observing how we react to our partner when we get angry or hurt, perhaps with harshness, dismissiveness, unkind words, etc. can provide insight into how we were treated earlier in our life and how we treat ourselves, let alone our partner. In bypassing this crucial step, we do not take the time to turn inward and care for our vulnerable parts (hurt, sad, rejected). Instead, we attack our partner in a manner that puts them on the defensive which gives us even less of a chance of gaining the insight the situation offers. Healthy relationships start with a strong sense of “self.” Not “self righteousness,” but rather a strong sense of “self-caring.” How we relate to ourselves is manifested in our relationships with others. If we truly want to grow our relationships, the work must start from within. If we relate to ourselves with compassion and acceptance, those too will be manifested in our relationships. Envision what you would like your relationship to look like and share this vision with your partner. Share with each other some ideas in which you will work on yourselves which will also benefit the relationship.

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