Scientists believe that our brains have a “negativity bias.” We have evolved over Millions of years, dodging sticks (threats) and looking for carrots (food). Since it was more important to pay attention to sticks (predators) for survival than carrots which we could get at a later time, our brain wiring adapted accordingly. Mother Nature is invested on survival and passing on our genes to the next generation, hence the brain’s default mode to negativity. In a relationship, it typically takes five good interactions to make up for a single bad one, and painful experiences are much more memorable than pleasurable ones. Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson says that our brains are like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. This explains why more effort and attention needs to be put on the positive. So how does this negativity bias play out in our relationships? We frequently hear a litany of complaints from couples, hyper-focusing on the negative qualities of their partner. These beliefs and ideas become etched in stone in our minds which further obscures our awareness of the good. We can use the understanding of this dynamic to be more mindful, increase our awareness and pay attention to positive behaviors, gestures and efforts on the part of our partner that we might otherwise miss. This is the first step in creating change. Since our brains have a capacity of neuroplasticity, we can change the way we think and retrain our brain to notice the good. It starts with noticing and paying attention to something good or positive that our partner might say or do and pause for a moment – take in the experience. This very thing can actually change the neuropathways and create new ways of thinking and feeling counteracting the easier (but more painful) trajectory of negative pathways. Exercise: At the end of each day, get together with your partner and share three positive things that you noticed or appreciate about them. When practiced regularly, overtime, noticing the good becomes an adventure as you begin to look for the good throughout the day! We would love to hear about your experiences!

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