Movement Leader Mohatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” The same can be said for our relationships. Be the change you wish to see in your relationship. In our work with couples, we hear many complaints about the other person. If only my husband would communicate better or if my wife was not so sensitive… Since we can only change Self not Other, we encourage each person to focus on the changes they can make to have a better, more satisfying relationship. When we want to be good at something, we practice what we know will make improvements. In our work with couples, we do genograms to explore family of origin issues that contribute to problems. We ask questions like, “Tell me about your parents’ relationship” and “What was it like for you growing up in your family?” We listen carefully to the stories we hear to help us better understand what might be contributing to the current dynamics in the relationship. The truth is that we are all co-authors of our own stories, our own relationships. We sometimes get hyper-focused on what we wish was different in our partner instead of practicing changes that we can make to improve the relationship. We need to participate in creating a relationship that aligns with what we want and who we are. We frequently sacrifice our “true self” because we do not want to be “the one” who “always has to” initiate physical touch, date night etc. We hold out because, “If he or she is not going to initiate then forget it.” Who wins and who loses? Imagine fast forwarding into the future. How do you want to look back on your relationship? What memories do you want to create? How would you like your children to describe your relationship when they were growing up? What do you want your relationship story to be? We have life’s pen in hand. What will you write about?

We appreciate thoughts and ideas for future Pearls from our readership, please submit them to us at marrylabs@comcast.net.