As most of you know, one of our favorite themes is that of “Opposites Attract.” When we sit with couples, we often marvel at how disparate they seem as we scratch our heads wondering “How did these two people get together?” But we do believe that there is a method to the madness and the concept of opposites attract speaks to the importance of our differences and what we have to teach one another. Recently, we were speaking about the large number of couples who seem to exemplify the struggle of “Planning vs. Spontaneity.” One partner likes to “be in control and know what the plan is” while their partner wants to “play it by ear” and feels that it is a strength to “roll with the punches.” They rail against any planning and predictability and pride themselves for being able to flex when necessary. In thinking about this theme, we began to wonder about its origins. It seems that if one grew up in a family with unpredictability and trauma, the need to “know and plan” is greater. If you were fortunate enough to have been raised in a family where there was harmony and predictability, you did not have to put as much energy into worrying about the present and future. With a greater understanding of where our own and our partner’s needs come from, we can have more empathy and compassion for each other, be less polarized and even be interested in increasing our flexibility in trying out our partner’s style. It is true that who we are and our differences are influenced by biology, gender and brain structure, however to gain a fuller understanding, we need to include the vital role of our family of origin.

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