Our extreme positions are often responsible for pain and conflict in our relationships. Since opposites attract, it is a conundrum that we often run into; one is neat one messy, one early one late, one flexible and one rigid. Each one of us sees the benefits of our position to justify why we are right and our partner is wrong. Just as in many struggles, there is no right and wrong. This polarization creates tension in the relationship and inhibits our own growth. Recently, a couple who had just come back from vacation, predictably ran into one of their ritual impasses. The wife, who we will call Gail, is a planner, and suggested a day to drive into the nearby village, have breakfast at a café, walk the town and shop. That morning, upon waking, the husband, who we will call John, who likes to be spontaneous announced he did not want to keep with the plan and wanted to hang out and enjoy the lake which they did. For her position (rigid) she explained that by having a plan she is able to enjoy the looking forward part leading up to the event. For his part (flexibility), he explained that spontaneity offers more options “in the moment” which allows for more opportunities. Later that evening, realizing that he had hijacked the day and disappointed his wife by not adhering to the plan, John apologized and said, “tomorrow morning, let’s go into town for breakfast, walk and shop, and I promise to follow the plan.” This turned out to be an excellent repair strategy! The next day as they returned home, she gave him a kiss and said, “thank you for your flexibility by being rigid.” They both laughed as they realized how each had “stretched” and leaned in toward the other’s position. We all benefit when we practice balance vs. extremes. Sometimes “too much of a good thing” is not always best ;-)

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