We realize that we are relationship junkies as we observe our own interactions and those of couples we work with trying to understand what makes this whole thing so difficult. Clearly, one influence is how things change over the course of time and the multiple challenges presented. We fall in love when young and unencumbered. It is an exciting time. Do people really expect it to continue like that? In our groups, we often ask couples, “What makes relationships so difficult?” There are a myriad of perspectives. Frequently, we hear about partners changing or not being who their spouse thought they were. Another common concern is differences in parenting and the stress that children put on the marriage. Not to be reductionistic, but a key complaint is a lack of truly “getting” our partner or worse, them not getting us. We coined an expression, “You make sense to me, which helps me make sense OF me.” What does this mean? It speaks to a key overarching need in a relationship; to be seen, to be understood, not necessarily agreed with, but more importantly, affirmed. If my partner does not “get” me, I do not reap the benefit of making sense to myself. Relationships grow when we live in an environment in which we make sense to our partner and they make sense to us. Again, not necessarily agreeing, but rather being deeply known. To live with someone who does not “get” us, our sense of self is challenged. If I “get” you and even like the essence of who you are, it helps to feel grounded. The challenge of living with someone who does not truly connect with who you are, can lead to a lonely existence. Of course, there are many answers to the question, of what makes relationships so difficult, but if there is a core acceptance and true understanding of who we are, then we have a greater chance of fulfillment.

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