The key to relationship success is differentiation: “I love you for who you are.” This means finally coming to the realization, that trying to change your partner to do things the way you do them, is a fruitless task. The concept of differentiation permits individuals to see their partner as separate and not flawed. There is a kind of acceptance and appreciation of other. The problem is that in the acceptance comes a realization: “Boy, are we different,” which can lead to separateness, isolation, loneliness, and a feeling that, “We have nothing in common, why did I even marry you?” All couples must struggle with how much to be attached and involved – the comfort of feeling similar, along with an understanding that there are wide gaps of difference. The balance of involvement and separateness is what truly matters.

We appreciate thoughts and ideas for future Pearls from our readership, please submit them to us at marrylabs@comcast.net.