In our work with couples, we explore the many complex issues that make relationships difficult and the remedies to create healthier and more satisfying ones. A consistent challenge is that inevitably, our partner will say or do something that triggers an unpleasant feeling; anger, hurt, some painful emotion. Often, we attach a meaning to what they have said or done, a story that WE tell ourselves that causes additional pain and suffering. For example, we might tell ourselves, “Here he goes again…” or “that is the same look my Dad used to give me.” There is a buddhist metaphor, called “The second arrow,” that goes like this. We cannot control the initial triggering event or situation that is making us feel bad. This is the first arrow. However, as humans, with the help of our brain wiring, we recall imprinted stories and events from our past when we felt similarly. In a nanosecond we scramble to make sense of why we feel the way we do and quickly our protectors come to our aid. This is the second Arrow, and this one is on us. We can all benefit from the wisdom of Pema Chodron who says, “Feel the feeling and drop the story.” This helps us stay in the present to deal with the pain of the first arrow and spares us of the suffering that comes with the second arrow. Give this a try and let us know what you think!

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