When it comes to conflict in relationships, we are wiser than we think. The conflict itself is usually the lesser issue at hand, and becomes more about the emotional triggers that arise from the stories we tell ourselves, the words that we speak, and the tone of voice that we use with one another. This leads to dysregulation of our nervous system as the brain thinks we are in danger. Our protectors jump into gear and we are off and running into an argument. Both partners then go into protective mode, usually fight or flight or shut down, numb or freeze. Our immature, younger selves immerge as the amygdala takes over. Good luck trying to resolve anything at this point. As many of you who have worked with us know, we highlight the importance of self- regulation before continuing to discuss and resolve issues. Our irrational minds need soothing and we head down the wrong path and go after our partner. “If you would just see my point, see that I am right, you hurt me – fix it…”. Our partner in their own dysregulated state is the last person that is going to calm us down. We need to self soothe, breathe, walk, listen to music. The comfort must come from ourselves. Self- soothing calms us down and gives us access to the rational thinking part of our brain, our wise selves. Once you are calmer, one or both of you can call for a “couple huddle.” Remember, you are on the same team, you can bring your wise selves together to discuss the issue more thoughtfully. Using wise speech, caring attitudes and sharing feelings will lead to a better conversation. We are better able to speak with clarity, listen to our partner and hear what is really important. You do not need to agree (although that would be nice) on issues, but feeling heard and respected, and honoring each other go a long way! It is not all about the outcome of getting what you want. Disclaimer – A couple huddle can lead to a cuddle huddle… just saying! Huddle away!

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