Without awareness, assumptions can cause hurt and misunderstandings. It is natural for us to experience sensory data (see or hear something) and couple that with our perspective and past experience and come up with an assumption. Unfortunately, this can sometimes get us into trouble as we filter the incoming information and create painful misunderstandings. What was said may not be what we heard or what our partner hears may not be what we said or what we intended. How we communicate with our partner, speaking with intention and clarity, and how we listen for understanding and what is being said takes mindful awareness which is sometimes easier said than done. Here are some tips that may be helpful: • When possible, practice “right speech.” Speak with kindness, intention and clarity and let your partner know what it is that you want them to hear and understand. • Tell them up front, “I just need you to listen,” or “I really need your help or advice,” or “I would like to give you feedback, is that ok?” Letting your partner know ahead of time what is expected can be helpful for you to be truly heard. • When your partner says or does something and you find yourself hurt or defensive, take a breath and pause. Practice self-soothing and ask yourself if your reaction fits what you heard or saw. When you feel centered, ask for clarification so that you can understand more clearly. Don’t make assumptions. An overall understanding of miscommunications and assumptions that we all make, can help both partners to be more forgiving of our self and each other. Take the time to do repair as a couple, talk with each other to gain a better understanding of where assumptions on both of our parts come from. Drop the blaming and take responsibility. As spiritual teacher and author Miguel Angel Ruiz writes, “Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just his one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”

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