I think we would all say that we want to be happy and have a happy relationship. We all have this in common, yet we continue to act in ways that are not in sync with our goals. Instead we often rely on methods based in the hope that the other person will change. We get stuck in our habitual ways of responding, our partner gets stuck in their habitual ways of responding, and together, these individual responses get intertwined, creating tangles (see last month’s Pearl) that become predictable patterns leading us down the same path to a dead end. Nothing seems to get better. So how do we break out of these painful, unproductive patterns? It is when we truly become interested in seeing how we participate in making matters worse, causing more tension, and when we are willing to “choose to do something different.” This is not easy, although over time, practicing and strengthening healthier responses does become easier. We can all relate to being in a conversation with our partner, when he or she says or does something that creates a trigger. We feel an immediate grip, that hook and sense of urgency or danger. We may be aware of physical sensations of tightening in our body. In an effort to escape this discomfort, in a split second, we unleash our own habitual chain of reactions. For some of us it looks like anger, fear, defensiveness, blaming others, spinning stories about the past or future… old habits of self-protection that no longer serve us. Some have described this sense of urgency like poison ivy, an itch that needs to be scratched immediately! We also know, that scratching the itch (habitual response) gives us temporary relief, however, only makes matters worse. So how can we do better? • First, practice noticing the trigger, the moment you get hooked. • Second, do what Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron calls “choose a fresh alternative.” Choose a different path. Not responding from emotion, but rather from intelligence. In other words, reminding yourself of what is only going to make matters worse (the quick fix) and choosing a different response, one that may not be as satisfying in the moment but could lead to lasting positive change. • Third, have compassion toward yourself and your partner. You are both trying to do the best you can. Practicing, choosing different paths of responding can be difficult and is certainly courageous. Relationships take ongoing nurturing and care.

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