For many of us, it is difficult to know whether our partner is giving us feedback or criticism. One of Marriage Labs’ foundation themes is the concept of feedback loops being a core requirement of a healthy relationship. The problem is that “feedback” often feels like criticism. Is it the way it is sent or how it is received? Probably, a little bit of both. This is to say, that opposites attract and we can help our partner to grow by leaning in to differences. I may be a saver and you a spender. You can either drive each other crazy by polarizing in stuck positions or positively influence our partner and meet in the middle. I learn from you and you learn from me. We are in this together. We can only learn if we are open to hearing feedback from our partner, but so often we feel attacked and misunderstood. What are the tools necessary so that we can “hear” our partner without getting defensive? First and foremost, one needs to be sure that their partner is not too spent to receive feedback. Timing is everything. If you are in the middle of an argument or putting the kids to bed, that is not the time for feedback. In addition, trying to be constructive in what you say helps. Just tearing a person down is never going to help them understand your point. How much of what you want to say is actually about you (parts that get activated) and how much about your partner? Giving feedback is a skill and can improve each of your understanding, but you must be intentional and kind.

We appreciate hearing your thoughts on this Pearl and your ideas for future Pearls. Please submit them to us at marrylabs@comcast.net.