Working with couples gives us the opportunity to witness communication patterns from an outside perspective. One of the patterns we see goes like this: One person goes on a litany complaining and criticizing, to get their partner to behave differently. We all know how that goes! Unfortunately, all they hear is how unhappy you are, how they have let you down and done something wrong. Oftentimes, what we actually want never gets communicated. Funny how our approach to getting what we want is self-defeating. When triggering emotions arise, we are not very rational and therein lies the spewing of words that do not line up with getting our needs met. Our partner is not hearing what we need, only what they are doing wrong. This generally leads to them getting triggered and at that point, they are certainly not in any position to deliver what we need anyway, and so the pattern continues. Next time you notice yourself giving feedback in a critical, complaining manner, try hitting the pause button, use “I” messages and “ask” your partner for what you need and what you would like them to do. If you find yourself on the receiving end of the criticism and complaints, you too can hit the pause button and ask your partner to pause, and use “I” statements so that you can better hear them and understand what they need. Indeed, the human condition is very interesting! Give it a go and let us know what happens.

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