One of the many blessings we have been afforded in our career is to work with couples who want to work on and improve their relationships. We applaud them for their efforts and thank them for teaching us so much about relationships. Recently, we asked our groups what they have learned in their work with us and what has been most valuable to them. Interestingly, many shared that although they still have arguments, they have a greater awareness about their patterns and styles with which they interact. They report having gained a big picture perspective, “when things are tough, this too shall pass.” They have more respect for one another and appreciate each other’s pain in arguments. One of the challenges couples work on is untying the knots of their ritual impasses. Ritual impasses are fights that couples have where each person contributes to the fight with their own habitual behavioral responses to create a pattern. These behavioral responses could be getting defensive, shutting down, not listening. Ritual impasses are having the same fights over and over again although they may be disguised differently. Uncovering and changing the trajectory of ritual impasses is an opportunity to work on oneself as well as the relationship. Each argument becomes an opportunity to do something different while resisting the pull of getting sucked into old behavior. It is a challenge to practice self-regulation and good communication skills when an argument ensues. But it really is “a practice,” sometimes we find it easier to stay present and pay attention than other times. Not to worry when you find yourself in that place of your familiar habitual response. Try and recognize, “here I am again.” There will be other arguments to practice with. Relationships become the laboratory to practice these skills! Be kind and gentle with yourself and each other.

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