We would all agree that no one should rule the relationship. Decisions should be made conjointly with each partner having an influence. As part of an intake with couples we ask, “Who has the power?” Ironically, each thinks the other rules the roost. A big part of relationship struggle is one partner dominating the other. We notice that younger couples, just starting out do a pretty good job of seeking each other’s input and co-managing their affairs. Over time as families grow and there is more to consider, less effort is made at thoughtful reflection. Due to sensory overload or simple efficacy, one partner just handles things. One of the key elements that creates tension and resentment is lack of collaboration. Not taking the time to each have a say. One person shuts down while the other has the burden of making decisions. The partner who makes decisions is worn out while the other withdraws because they feel overlooked. It is true that in our fast-paced overloaded lives, not every decision needs to have equal input. What to give the kids for lunch or who is driving carpool, may not require careful negotiation, but certainly where we are spending Thanksgiving or planning the next vacation needs thoughtful input. It is helpful to say to your partner, “We need to talk about X…” before forging ahead without fully understanding each other’s perspective. Many couples do a good job of discriminating those situations which call for extra effort and attention while there are others that live in a pattern of one person dominating while their partner feels overlooked and stifled. Who do you think wears the pants in your relationship?

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