Viewing ourself and our partner from a multiplicity perspective can be beneficial for our relationships. Those of you who have worked with us are familiar with the phrase “speaking for (not from) “parts” of ourselves.” This language is taken from the Internal Family Systems Model (IFS), developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. We exam the many parts of us, what they are thinking, feeling, and how they are behaving in situations. Often our parts are operating from different places and are in conflict with one another. This model helps us understand the complexity of being human, lending itself to being kinder and more forgiving toward ourselves and one another. It becomes more complicated in relationships when we put two individuals together, each with their own set of complexities. It is easy to see our partner as “all good” or “all bad.” We forget the qualities in our partner that we fell in love with and only see the parts that drive us crazy. Why is it that when we are angry or irritated with our partner it is easy to lose sight of the “good” parts and only see their challenging behaviors? This occurs for several reasons, including how are brains are wired, how our activated parts are taking over and how our partner’s activated parts are showing up. Rick Hansen teaches us that our brains are wired in a way that bad things stick to us like Velcro while good things slide off like Teflon. So it is more difficult for us to remember the good, especially at times of conflict. Rick says that by “installing” the good, we can counteract this wiring. To install the good, we need to notice and bring to mind the “good” parts of our partner and our relationship. Conjure up the feelings that go with it and let that sink in. In this way, we install these memories and they become more readily available during arguments and times of tension. As the wife of one of our couples put it, “when I am irritated or angry with this man, I remind myself that this is the same man that is kind, supportive, playful and funny, and this really helps me feel better and puts things in perspective.” Be on the lookout for when your partner says or does something kind… pause and take it in… ah… smile :) and remember the good!

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