Marriage as a Spiritual Journey vs. Marriage as a Business Contract ... Intimacy and Connection vs. Peaceful Co-Existence.

All Couples Have Problems ... It is normal to have problems and we will look at problems as 50% - 50%... There are no good guys and bad guys.

You Can Only Change Yourself, You Cannot Change The Other Person … What do I need to change to improve this relationship?

Relationship Apathy ... We take each other for granted … love is an action verb … You can make a conscious decision to love your partner … Relationships take hard work … They need to be nurtured.

Concept of Relationship as a Reservoir … Is your reservoir full or empty?

Competition vs. Generosity … Compassion and empathy for other … they are not the enemy …we are in this together … There is no “Right” or “Wrong” – Just “Different” ... Do you want to be Right or Happy? Right or Married?  How invested are you in the fight? ... "He'll Use It Against Me" ... Is making a reference to a shared vulnerable point ammunition?

“You Always Hurt the One You Love” … Why do people treat others better than their partners?

Family of Origin … How many people (family members in you) live in your Relationship?  Who are They?

Opposites Attract – how does this influence the relationship?

    Late night vs. early morning        Neat vs. messy

    High energy vs. low energy         On time vs. late

    Spend vs. save                              Enmeshed vs. disengaged (family of origin)

    Internalizers vs. externalizers

Distance Regulation in Coupleship … some people need (want) closeness and fusion, others need (want) space and are more boundaried

Three Building Blocks of Relationship … Trust - Commitment – Surrender

Level I … Real Time – you react to issues that occur in the present

Level II … Repetitive issues that have occurred between you and your partner over time … ritual impasses – you react to issues that the two of you have struggled with together

Level III …Your own stuff from your family of origin – you react to old triggers from childhood

Natural Developmental Stages of Relationship … What Happened to Our Relationship? “We loved each other when we got married” … People change – feels like a betrayal …  one person has changed the “deal” … Does relationship have Flexibility?  Is it Elastic?  Expansive? “I love you but I’m not in love with you” 

Conscious vs. Unconscious Relationship …“We started out, our roles developed, and here we are”

Differentiation is Key to Relationship Success … Not only recognize your partner’s differences but love them for who they are.

Moving from a Couple to a Family … what happened?

                        Kid Love (loving your child) vs. Adult Love (loving your partner)

                        Definitions of Intimacy

Sex … Crock Pot (Female) vs. Microwave (Male)

Women need to feel close to have sex – Men need to have sex to feel close

Who Am I with you? Does this Relationship Bring Out The Best in Me? … Do I like the “Me” in our relationship?

The “Works for Me” Relationship … Can a relationship work when one partner is unfulfilled? Awareness of Other Quotient

Male Entitlement – Female Disempowerment …Men who take care of themselves (exercise, golf etc) and want their partner to do the same (men helping women to feel more entitled) vs. Male Audacity - Men who feel entitled without regard to their partner (double standard) … Do women enable

them?