December 2012 - Relationship Problems All relationships have problems. You are supposed to have problems. It is what people do about the problems that is relevant. Conflict is growth trying to happen. The issues are the windows to the soul of the relationship and are the trailheads directing where energy needs to be devoted. Problems, which go unattended, become ritual impasses in your relationship and stay imbedded for years. You keep bumping into each other and yourself. Assignment: Notice a ritual impasse in your relationship (example; "we always fight when we talk about money" or "it is loaded with tension when I talk about your family") and make an agreement with your partner to not recreate the conflict. You are allowed to simply identify a problem in your relationship (not solve) without "getting into it." Each of you must simply sit with the acknowledgement that this is an area, which needs to be "outed." If you can name the dragon, it gives you a certain power over it. The human spirit is forever positive and the energy to heal wounded aspects of your relationship is immense. November 2012 - Holiday Stress Marriage should come with a manual or at least a compass. One of the most disconcerting aspects is holidays. For many of us, holidays, (particularly Thanksgiving and Christmas), represent the best of our childhood memories and the rituals established are well worn in our reptilian brains; the smell of the turkey roasting in the oven, the fact that our favorite aunt was always there, the warmth of the glow of the fire in the fireplace, our mom and our dad basting through the night. Then we go to our spouse's family for a holiday. The TV blaring and no sitting down together at the table, but people serving themselves and retreating to various corners, alcohol dominating the day. Chaos. Not only must couples be exposed to one another's family's style, but also we must begin to create our own rituals for how we do things. Travel to our spouse's family ten hours away for Christmas or stay home and enjoy a relaxed morning with our kids opening their presents in their own home risking offending our in-laws and challenging a well worn tradition for our spouse? Delicate negotiations are required regarding holiday plans with the major cost being experiencing loss and ending one developmental stage but the gold nugget being creating memories of how "we do things" for your children and each other. Letting go of roots and traditions and weaving them delicately into the fiber of the present is a painstaking, loving process. October 2012 - Transitions Transition times can be difficult to negotiate. Life transitions, such as a spouse retiring and being home more, summer ending and moving into fall, or daily movements from getting out of bed to leaving the house hold the potential to wreak havoc on our relationships. More subtle transitions such as packing and embarking on a vacation or entering into an awkward or difficult conversation with your partner can raise tensions as well. The first step is simply to notice and recognize that being in a transition can cause conflict. Anticipating and planning for transitions and being mindful and proactive around transition times can turn potentially volatile events into positive points of connection. Otherwise couples are apt to fall prey to the tensions and dramas which often unfold. September 2012 - Look in the Mirror Too often we focus on the shortcomings of our partner rather than their strengths. In fact we are all experts on exactly what our partner needs to do in order to make our relationship better. Rather than complaining about what is not there, love what is there. Notice the ratio of criticism vs. appreciation of the other in your daily lives. Are you your best self with your partner? August 2012 - Decision Making Human nature is interesting. If one person makes a plan the other person has free reign on poking holes in that plan. In coupleships there are the “psychopolitics” of the couple – the rules, which govern the couple’s behavior. How well do you know your customary operating procedure as a couple – who plays what role? For example, usually one person makes the social plans. That offers the other the opportunity to complain. Really good complainers wait until after the event to do their complaining; “the food was awful at that place”; “I never really wanted to go out with them.” It puts a lot of pressure on the one who generally steps up to initiate – it is easy to be the Monday morning quarterback who gets to challenge the plan. In decision making it is best if each person states their wants up front and then the couple can move forward with negotiations on equal footing. July 2012 - Sometimes Less is More Frequently when couples contact us reporting that they are having difficulty, they point to communication as their biggest issue. Although we teach communication skills and help partners use "I messages" to express honest sentiment, another important aspect of communication is knowing when not to say something. A large part of having a caring attitude toward your partner is not "kicking them when they are down." Recognizing that someone is hurting and not going for the jugular is a necessary part of communication. So in the heat of the moment, slow down, take a deep breath and resist getting in the final word. June 2012 - Points of Connection Too frequently we lose sight of one another. Our work, the kids, golf, the gym, “me time” all distract us from putting energy into our relationship. There need to be at minimum four points of connection: 1) when you awaken in the morning 2) when you part for the day 3) when you first see one another at the end of the day 4) when you go to sleep. Of course there should be others. What are your points of connection? List your points of connection (separately) and compare them with your partner. May 2012 - Error of Assumed Similarity One of the most difficult moments in a marriage is when you discover “we are different.” People select a mate thinking how well they get along and how similar they are but then one day the differences become glaring. Just because you like something a certain way (“it works for me” mentality) does not mean that your partner feels the same way. Ironing out these differences is a fundamental task of marriage. Not only taking the other into consideration but truly appreciating the differences and loving the person for who they are. April 2012 - Enemy vs. Ally It is important that we realize that we are on the same "team" when we are in a marriage or committed relationship. Oftentimes we lose sight of who our partner is in this fast paced competitive world and see them as the enemy rather than our ally. At times of stress it is easy to blame our partner, become petty, or go on the attack because of our own feelings of vulnerability. The following Native American parable depicts this theme: An elder Navajo was telling his grandson about the fight that is going on inside himself. He said it is between two wolves: one is evil (anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, superiority, etc) and the other is good (joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, etc). The grandson thought about it and asked, "Which wolf wins?" The simple reply, "The one I feed." Which wolf do you feed?

past pearls 2012

December 2012: Relationship Problems November 2012: Holiday Stress October 2012: Transitions September 2012: Look in the Mirror August 2012: Decision Making July 2012: Sometimes Less is More June 2012: Points of Connection May 2012: Error of Assumed Similarity April 2012: Enemy vs. Ally