February 2014 - Fairness Oftentimes in our work with couples, we run into the same themes over and over again and it causes us to marvel at how similar all relationships are. We frequently struggle with couples pathologizing aspects of their relationship, which just seem normal to us, as they are so common. One of these is the dynamic “You always hurt the one you love” or “It is not fair that you treat others so well, but me, your partner, you treat badly.” We are not suggesting that this is good for the relationship – it just is. There are many variables that contribute to this dynamic: The fact that committed relationships are incubators for all our “stuff” (family of origin issues which we bring as baggage into the fray; gender differences; and most of all our own issues with vulnerability, closeness, and intimacy). In addition, we spend most time with one another, so who else are we going to take frustrations out on at the end of the day, but our partner? Again this is not to justify harsh treatment and you should make every effort to notice and be responsible for your own actions. This is one of the greatest challenges of committed relationships: That you honor, even cherish, your partner and they get the best of you, not the worst of you. Do you need to upgrade how you treat your partner and not take them for granted?

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