A wise mentor once told us that there are three or four problems in every couple that will never go away. It is a given. This lends an interesting perspective so that when we meet with a couple, we know that some of the issues simply will remain as part of the fabric. We have come to understand that all couples basically have made a deal and some parts are fluid and negotiable while others are hardwired and intractable. Perhaps you are annoyed with how he chews his food. You naturally have told him many times and he tries to work on it but it always returns. Maybe you wish that she got along with your mother better and she makes attempts but it will never be. Ultimately it comes down to what you can accept and keeping your eye on the big picture. Interestingly, the relationship can tolerate irritants when the water is high in the reservoir – when couples are making efforts to stay involved and generally maintaining the ecosystem. There are natural, predictable fault lines in every couple and when maintenance is low the fracture points emerge (his chewing really gets to you or her relationship with your mother causes a fight). So the annoyances are like the warning lights in your car. When you are more irritated with your partner, it is time to make deposits into the reservoir. No wonder they call them “idiot lights” – why does it take that level of friction to get our attention?