Relationships are complicated. As human beings we each need to feel like we are charting our own course in life, yet if we are in a relationship, our partner must also have a voice. If one person dominates and the other “gives in” it eventually creates trouble. It is good to be flexible but loss of self is toxic. Free will – doing what we want, when we want is an interesting concept within a relationship context. Lately, in our groups, we have been exploring where “free will” fits in a relationship. Is that an oxymoron? Does being in a relationship negate one’s own free will? We often ask couples to consider the question “What parts of myself do I need to compromise to be in a relationship with you?” In the early years of a relationship when you are getting to know one another and putting on your best face, there is a positive energy and excitement as you share your best selves. There is a merging of the feelings of free will with compromising and negotiating with a generous spirit. As the relationship matures, expectations start to encroach on free will as you are sorting out the rules, which govern your union. In the later years when the kids have grown up, you once again seem to breathe, and “now it’s time for me.” Thus it seems that there is a developmental influence to be considered when thinking about free will. There needs to be room for two people in a relationship. Successful relationships allow for both people to exert (exercise) their free will. Assignment: Sit with your partner and discuss the concept of free will in your relationship. How often and under what circumstances do you and your partner exercise free will? Does it feel unbalanced? Do you need to update or renegotiate the balance?