A common situation with couples is that at the end of the day, just before bedtime a fight ensues and the husband wants to end the discussion, while the wife wants to resolve it before going to sleep. The husband accommodates and the couple reaches an unsatisfying impasse. In the morning the wife says, “I’d like to talk about what went on last night.” The husband, rolling his eyes states, “I thought we were done with that” and leaves for work. This is a scenario, which repeats itself in many homes and is frustrating for both partners. We would like to explain the roots of this dilemma so that couples can better understand and perspective-take when this situation arises. Historically, in cave-man days and even moving forward, the man had to go out, and hunt to feed his family. In order to do this day after day, he developed a defense mechanism, which allowed him to compartmentalize and not recall (feel) the treacherous events of the previous day. For her part the female taking care of home and hearth needed to develop a compassionate attitude and awareness of her environment and children. Thus, there is a biological adaptive aspect, which continues today. Cortisol, which gets released in all of us during stressful times, has distinct differences in the genders. Testosterone is a cortisol blocker, which causes cortisol in males to recede quickly. When this happens, the memory of the event dissipates – it is over. To complicate matters further, estrogen is a cortisol enhancer, which causes cortisol in females to continue to be released long after the event is over, keeping the memory alive along with the feelings that are attached to the event. Thus men tend to compartmentalize and want to put things behind them, while women have a more difficult time letting go. Many couples have shared with us that recognizing these biological differences have helped them to not personalize interactions, but rather have more compassion for themselves and their partners. We hope that you too will keep this in mind as you continue to work on your relationships. We appreciate thoughts and ideas for future Pearls from our readership, so please submit them to our email marrylabs@comcast.net.