Much of our work in our practice is helping couples untangle the tangles in relationships. How do we untangle the tangles and avoid creating new tangles? Here we focus on two types of tangles, the tangles that life presents to us and the tangles that we create in our lives and in our relationships. Both require the correct tools for untangling. Imagine a tangled necklace or fishing line. When we find ourselves in the pain and suffering of a tangle, it is common to want to get out as quickly as possible. We react impulsively and start pulling on the wrong threads or links of the chain, tugging aggressively in the wrong direction creating tighter knots causing kinks, bends or permanent damage. Some of you may remember the Chinese Finger Pull toy. It may have seemed like “just a toy” when we were children, but little did we know that the Chinese culture was trying to teach us an important life lesson. The harder you try to pull your fingers out, the tighter the hold on us. It is our natural inclination to want to get out of the trap by pulling quickly, usually in the wrong direction. The key is to pause and relax your fingers, stop pulling. Once we stop pulling (however tempting), we can view the tangle from a different perspective. We can learn which strands to gently tug, which strands will loosen the knot and which ones will further tighten it. We do this with patience and care. We can avoid new tangles and loosen the old one, by noticing how we participate in the creation of these webs, noticing our habitual patterns of thinking (see last month’s Pearl on assumptions), speech and actions. Are these patterns helpful? Without awareness, we unconsciously continue these patterns causing more suffering. One of the keys to avoiding difficult tangles is to notice our contribution with curiousity and adopt a commitment to learning new ways. To accept the responsibility that comes with being in a relationship, practicing patience, kindness, curiosity and compassion toward ourselves and our partner. • What patterns do you notice in the tangles of your relationship? • How do you contribute to tightening the tangles and what could you practice differently to loosen the grip? As always, we love and appreciate your feedback and responses to our Pearls!

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